Unpacking Forgiveness

How a recent encounter with a flying object helped me contemplate my own level of compassion

An interesting social exercise asks that two people sit back to back, each with a matching set of wooden blocks. One person creates a little structure and then must describe what it looks like to the other so they can build the same exact thing on their end. The majority of the time the two structures will not match at all. One person says “place the long brick on top of the short one”, thinking the direction is crystal clear. Yet, the phrases “on top of” or “the short one” can be interpreted in a variety of ways and the second person places the blocks in an orientation that makes sense to them. Is either person right or wrong? No! The problem lies in where the focus is. We default to thinking about ourselves and our own frame of reference. Each person thinks that their interpretation of the pattern is right. It’s only when we slow down and work to gain understanding of the other person’s perspective that we can come to an agreement and achieve the shared goal.

Photo by Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 on Unsplash

A study done decades ago had several random strangers gather in an art gallery. The researchers told the participants that they were simply going to observe them in the gallery and the way they interacted with a series of paintings. What the researchers didn’t tell them however, was that prior to the study each participant was given a T-shirt to wear during their day at the gallery. There were 4 or 5 different colored shirts and everyone was given one at random. By the end of the gallery day each person had naturally gravitated towards others wearing the same color shirt. Interestingly, they all ultimately judged the artwork similar to the opinions of the others in their same colored T-shirt group. Even more surprising was that they openly criticized and mocked the judgements of people who were in groups of different colored shirts than their own.

These examples reveal some fascinating insight into human nature. As humans we are very quick to think only about our immediate environments and perspective yet we desperately want to be part of a similar thinking group or tribe. The researchers from the art gallery T-shirt study approached the participants decades later and asked them what they remembered about certain individuals in the groups. They remembered people with their same colored shirts as being friendly and warm, but their memories of people with other colored shirts were negative or they had completely forgotten about those individuals entirely.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic during my regular scripture study and kept coming across the commandment that we are asked to forgive one another’s ‘trespass’. The word ‘trespass’ really stood out to me and of course the first thing I thought of is somebody trespassing on another’s property. The word ‘trespass’ really stood out to me and of course the first thing I thought of is somebody trespassing on another’s property. So, I assume that ‘trespass’ would just be like when somebody wrongs us or “crosses the line” with me right? And then we’re asked to forgive people when that happens? Easy peasy.

Yet I dug a bit deeper into the phrase. The book of Leviticus in the Old Testament actually has a HUGE section all about this and even talks about something called a ‘trespass offering.’ Well, it turns out the term ‘trespass’ in Hebrew was referring to the unintentional transgressions that people would commit against one another.

Unintentional.

The trespass offering was then a way to gain forgiveness from both parties after an understanding was made on exactly why an offense was felt in the first place.

While I was serving a full time religious mission in Chile, we would sometimes encounter people who had decided to leave membership in the church. We found that the number one reason why most of these people left was because they were offended in some way by a fellow member or local leader. We would approach the “offending” person to see if we could help rectify the situation and it seemed that in 90% of the cases, the individual had zero idea that they had even done something that offended the other person. In a few cases, communication between the two people was established, misunderstandings were clarified, repentance and forgiveness occurred, and the offended person even came back to church participation. Sadly in other cases it ended with the individual still feeling they were wronged. They refused to forgive the other of their unintentional trespass claiming “that person should have known better and been more aware of the horrible thing they did or said.”

I know someone who unfortunately thinks that the world is always out to get them in one way or another. Every time we are out in public they will spend the bulk of the trip saying things like, “did you see the way that person just looked at me?” and “I can’t believe that guy just pulled in front of us and didn’t even say sorry.” I’m saddened as I see how much anxiety and pain they go through with these thoughts.

Halfway through one of my son’s varsity football games I was suddenly struck very hard in the shoulder by something. I looked to discover that somebody had lobbed a completely full Gatorade bottle over the press booth and it hit me right in the shoulder before it bounced off and hit my daughter in the head. My immediate reaction was a lot of anger and confusion. It physically hurt! I was even more mad that it hurt my daughter, yet was grateful that it hit me first so that it didn’t hit her square in the head. We were also sitting very close to several more elderly fans as well as tiny newborns.

My mind raced as I thought about the thoughtlessness of whoever threw the bottle and what damage could have been done had it hit someone else. My gut reaction was to rush around to the back of the stands, quickly find whoever did this, and “teach them a lesson.”

Brigham Young once compared being offended to a poisonous snakebite.

“There are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we pursue the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt to follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.”

Certainly we always have every right to feel bothered, hurt, or even offended, but we often want to put blame on things that bother, hurt, or offend us on some other person, group, or cause outside our control. In the case of the rattlesnake, how often do we consider the side of the snake? Why did it bite in the first place? Sometimes a rattlesnake will bite because it feels threatened, afraid, or because you actually stepped on it. Sometimes it just bites because a thoughtless instinct kicks in. We often fabricate offenses in our own mind simply because somebody is in a different group than us; similar to what happened in the T-Shirt study. What compels somebody to throw a Gatorade bottle into a crowd of people? Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing in this case. I do know, however, that for about an entire quarter of that football game, I was burdened. I was mad that somebody would be that thoughtless. I was mad that it physically hurt not only me but someone I love. My daughter was visibly bothered too about why somebody would do something like that. I made all kinds of assumptions about this (most likely) “kid” and “how stupid he (obviously) is.”

The Bible teaches in Luke Chapter 9 that Jesus Christ and his disciples traveled to teach and serve the Samaritans. The Samaritans instantly recognized the group as Jewish (a people they despised) and violently rejected them. Two of Christ’s disciples, James and John, were particularly bothered by this interaction. Having read the scriptures their entire lives and having waited for decades for a Messiah who was going to come down and “save” them from their enemies, they looked to their Master and angrily asked,

“Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven and consume them?” (Luke 9:54)

They were ready for their savior in this very moment to violently wipe out their enemies and “teach these people a lesson”.

The Lord rebuked them and said,

“Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the son of man is not come to destroy men’s lives, but to save them”. (Luke 9:56)

In the parable of the Prodigal Son I find that more often than not we find ourselves in the role of the faithful brother; the one that did not leave. We are doing our best to live a good life and then struggle with feelings and thoughts of anger, confusion, and jealousy as we watch someone else, who we feel has done terrible things, get all of the attention, credit, or forgiveness that we feel is all too undeserved.

Do we find ourselves using phrases like, “I hope they got what they deserved”, or “one day they will learn,” or “I’ll show them?” This is not forgiving others of their trespass. This is a form of pride as we lift ourselves above others and justify that our perspective is right and that “at least one day my enemy will be punished and boy won’t that make me feel even better about myself?”

This is not forgiveness.

Russel M. Nelson beautifully drove this message home in an April 2023 message.

“Contention drives away the Spirit-every time. Contention reinforces the false notion that confrontation is the way to resolve differences; but it never is. Contention is a choice. Peacemaking is a choice. You have your agency to choose contention or reconciliation. I urge you to choose to be a peacemaker, now and always. Brothers and sisters, we can literally change the world-one person and one interaction at a time. How? By modeling how to manage honest differences of opinion with mutual respect and dignified dialogue.”

We are finding ourselves more and more offended by others simply because they wear a different color T-Shirt. We burden ourselves thinking that one day “that group that I disagree with will finally get what they deserve”. We bear heavy burdens of being offended by the actions of others that in no way meant any offense. We often take offense simply because we disagree with or think differently from someone and we wear ourselves down trying to convince ourselves and others about how right I am and how wrong they are. We are quick to draw lines in the sand and define who our enemies are, willing to do whatever it takes to publicly drag them through the mud. True, there are times when we do have very legitimate reasons to take offense by the actions of others, yet we still have to make a choice with how we will react.

Some people may claim it is weak to take a Gatorade bottle from an unknown tosser smack in the shoulder and do nothing about it. But I felt strong. I could sit next to my young daughter and focus on the things that I had control over without regret. I was able to drive the anger out of my system, understand that mindless things happen sometimes, and show gratitude for the remainder of what ended up being an exciting game. I genuinely hope that individual is having a great day today wherever they are and however a great day looks like for them.

Christ reminded his disciples, just prior to his death, about how we trulyshow forgiveness towards everyone,

“A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another as I have loved you. That ye also love one another. By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” (John 13:34–35)

Forgiveness is love. It really is that simple. Hard to implement though. If there is someone who you feel has offended you, unburden yourself by leaning your back up against theirs and asking them about their perspective, experience, and background. You will gain a more clear idea of what shapes they are seeing in the wooden blocks sitting in front of them. With this perspective you will find it easier to show love, patience, and compassion as we all navigate this earthly experience as a shared human race.

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

Jesus Christ was the ultimate example of this as He forgave even those who crucified Him. He was able to do this lovingly as He had spent his entire earthly life walking with them, serving them, and understanding them. I’m grateful that Christ shows me love and compassion rather than giving me“what I deserve”.

As we strive to be peacemakers, remember that a rising tide lifts all boats. We exist among a beautiful sea of blue, green, red, yellow, and rainbow colored T-shirts. We will experience everlasting joy and a true sense of peace and love as we seek first to understand before seeking to be understood.